I’m good at numerous issues, however defending my coronary heart is the one factor I’ve excelled at through the years.

As I push ahead, my ideas play the previous few weeks on repeat. The alternatives I made. The explanations I made them. It’s like I can shut it off. So, I run. Like I’ve at all times executed. Like I at all times do. Run. The irony of this doesn’t escape me. I’ve spent my life constructing partitions and working away from virtually each significant relationship, or something that even comes shut to 1, in my lifetime.

Surprisingly, that one evening I spent with Parker Nallen threatens to wreck what I’ve spent a lot time making an attempt to regulate. I don’t know why he impacts me the way in which he does, and I nonetheless don’t have a solution after eight miles. I push ahead to my end line in hopes of releasing the chaos of my introspection, even whether it is only for a short while.

Nobody in my life ever understands the explanation why I avoid relationships aside from my core group of associates.

In my expertise, relationships make you weak. Vulnerability will get you damage. Harm is one thing I’ve had sufficient of. I work arduous to attenuate my damage. I’ve realized to regulate my life and who I let in it. I solely let within the individuals I’m positive I can belief. Fall in love, they are saying. They make it sound really easy, so carefree. However love hasn’t ever gotten me anyplace. Love hardly ever lasts and simply isn’t definitely worth the threat. I’ve seen the havoc it might probably wreak and what that sort of heartache can do, and I need no a part of it.

As a substitute, I hop round between guys. Take what I want. By no means get severe. I created guidelines for myself, and I maintain to them. That is how I’ve constructed the fort round my coronary heart, and I’ll defend it till the bitter finish.

Oh, and I additionally run.

With about 5 hundred extra yards to go, I kick my tempo up one other notch, pushing myself to purge each unguarded thought from my thoughts. Each need past instant, meaningless pleasure is discarded till nothing is left however me, my coronary heart, and my impenetrable armor.

Once I lastly attain the lighthouse, I gradual to a cease, my respiratory heavy and coming in speedy succession. Bending on the waist, I relaxation my palms on my knees, inhaling and exhaling each emotion I’ve felt over the past hour.

I ran till the emotions inside me stopped making an attempt to snake their approach into my coronary heart. I ran till the feelings had been not making an attempt to interrupt down my partitions. I’ve to maintain that heavy armor up. I’ve to guard these partitions I’ve labored so arduous to construct. That is what I’ve executed for the final twelve years. It’s my coping mechanism.

Out of the blue, my cellphone vibrates in my working pouch. Pulling it out, I look to see who’s calling me. It’s like she is aware of; she should have some sort of sixth sense. She at all times is aware of once I want just a little steadiness.

“Hey, Rose,” I say into the cellphone, my respiratory extra normalized.

“You okay?” she asks.

“Yep, simply completed up a run,” I inform her.

Rose sighs, “That’s not what I imply, Abs. that. I do know one thing has been bothering you.”

I give a small giggle, “Yeah, however I simply ran it away like I at all times do. I’m a giant woman. I’ve bought this. It wasn’t something I couldn’t deal with.”

There’s a quick pause on the opposite finish of the road, and I do know she’s considering pushing the difficulty to get me to speak about no matter has been on my thoughts. She clearly decides in opposition to it as a result of when she speaks, Rosie solely says, “In case you ever can’t deal with it, you already know I’m right here.”

“I do know,” I inform her. “Speak to you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” she replies earlier than hanging up.

I stroll to the railing on the cliff’s edge and look out over the crashing waves. A shiver runs over my physique because the ocean breeze glides over my sweat-dampened pores and skin.

I stand for a minute, taking all of it in. I take into consideration Rosie and my run and the individual I’m. I do know precisely how I bought right here and why I do the issues I do. I’ve to guard myself as a result of I realized a very long time in the past it’s all I can do. If I don’t look out for myself, who will? I’m assured of who I’m and the alternatives I’ve made to get me this far.

That is me—guarded, level-headed, filled with power, filled with management.

That is how I keep secure from damage and heartache.

Three

PARKER

5 months later

My guardian’s entrance garden is lit by twinkle lights twirled across the trunk of the 2 tall palm bushes and numerous othershrubs. It’s simply after darkish, they usually completely set the temper for tonight’scelebration.The squeeze of my hand attracts my consideration away from my ideas and again to the smiling eyes of my date. She’s fairly and candy. My mother will in all probability love her, which is precisely why I contemplated coming alone. However tonight, is a date sort of celebration, even when I can’t wrap my thoughts round what is going on.

“It’s so lovely,”Lily whispers as she looksaround.

“Yeah,”I shrug. Though I’m a bit shocked by how romantic the setting is, my tone stays impartial.

Once we attain the door, I drop her hand and attain for the doorknob simply because it opens, bringing me face-to-face with a dream—no, a nightmare.

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