Chapter 13: Melancholy

Though the sky cleared up the subsequent day, the air was nonetheless saturated with the scent of rain and dampness. Since she had already skilled the attraction of Shi Yan’s lectures beforehand, she was afraid that she wouldn’t have the ability to discover a seat this time. So Ruan Zhizhi took the black umbrella and set off from house early.

By the point she referred to as a taxi and reached A College’s campus gates, it was simply half-past 4. Shi Yan’s class began at 5 o’clock in the identical lecture corridor as final time.

She didn’t know why, however she really felt just a little nervous going into Shi Yan’s lecture. Ruan Zhizhi, who had been away from campus for 3 years already, carried a college bag once more. Moreover, she’d earnestly ready a pocket book and pen. She deliberate to attend class and carefully take heed to the lecture. She would file many notes after which return to revise her manuscript.

Carrying her faculty bag, she walked by means of the campus. As she listened to the sound of scholars laughing and taking part in round her, she additionally reminisced about her personal faculty days just a little.

When she arrived on the lecture corridor, there have been nonetheless about twenty minutes earlier than class. Despite the fact that she’d already arrived a lot earlier, the large lecture corridor was nearly 80% full of folks.

Ruan Zhizhi casually discovered a seat within the again row and sat down. On the similar time, a steady stream of individuals saved getting into from outdoors the classroom door. The seats round her had been shortly crammed by college students. Right away, your entire lecture corridor was crowded.

Ruan Zhizhi was considerably bothered by the noisy voices in her ears, so she took out her headphones from her faculty bag and listened to a music. In entrance of her was an empty pocket book and a black pen. Ruan Zhizhi lay on the desk and listened to music whereas resting. In a trance, she felt as if she actually had returned to her college campus days. 

In these days, the sky was brilliant blue each day. Ruan Zhizhi thought that she might quietly accompany Li Sichen eternally and by no means ask for something in return.

However later, she came upon she was fallacious. On this world, how might there be so many fools keen to take a position feelings with out demanding one thing in return? One yr, two years, three years, inevitably there can be a day that she would fall aside from the inexhaustible, countless wait. 

Subsequently, in her senior yr at Li Sichen’s party, she drank a complete bottle of 60% vodka. Eventually, she might not maintain again and declared her secret love all alongside.

Not desirous to recall the recollections that adopted, Ruan Zhizhi’s reminiscence solely prolonged to there. The remainder, she forcibly suppressed.

Probably due to yesterday night time’s insomnia and the truth that she needed to stand up early for work at the moment, Ruan Zhizhi felt just a little sleepy whereas ready for sophistication. She subconsciously informed herself that she couldn’t go to sleep presently. In the end, nevertheless, she was no match for the drowsiness surging forth. She struggled in useless for some time, however ultimately she closed her eyes and entered a lightweight sleep.

……

“Pupil Ruan Zhizhi, are you awake?”

A well-known voice instantly sounded beside her ear. The tone was chilly, and the sound was neither mild nor heavy because it resounded within the air. Right away, she quivered and jolted her head up from the desk.

Certain sufficient, she noticed Shi Yan standing one metre away from her within the classroom aisle, watching her. He was holding a stack of lesson plans in his arms. His black, translucent eyes had been her with an unknown which means. 

At the moment, Ruan Zhizhi couldn’t wait to dig a gap and get in. She deeply felt that this was the best lack of face…Yesterday, she had agreed to attend his class, and now she had fallen asleep earlier than the lecture even began. 

The gang round her was whispering, and the faint laughing voices of different college students may very well be heard.

Even somebody as unperturbed as Ruan Zhizhi couldn’t assist however blush.

“…I’m awake.” She cleared her throat and spoke in disgrace.

Shi Yan nodded. He checked out her expressionlessly, then stated as if it was no massive deal, “Hearken to class diligently.”

Ruan Zhizhi nodded promptly, taking up the looks of somebody humbly searching for instruction.

Whereas Shi Yan returned to the rostrum and commenced making ready the presentation for at the moment’s class, Ruan Zhizhi clearly heard a number of women sitting beside her discussing in low voices. They had been speaking about how Shi Yan might know her title. 

Ruan Zhizhi made a “囧” face and silently bowed her head just a little decrease.

Because of this little episode, Ruan Zhizhi remained in a state of excessive focus for the subsequent hour. She was extra severe than the times the place she studied for last exams in college. 

Shi Yan stood nonchalantly in entrance of the rostrum. He used his distant to alter the presentation slide to the subsequent web page: “Subsequent, let’s give attention to the signs and causes of schizophrenia.”

Listening to this phrase, Ruan Zhizhi’s spirit grew to become much more invigorated. However opposite to her perspective, when the opposite college students heard Shi Yan’s phrases, they distinctly revealed stunned seems to be. Now there was whispering within the quiet classroom.

“Didn’t we simply talk about schizophrenia a number of days in the past? Why do we’ve to speak about it once more at the moment?”

“Proper, did Professor Shi bear in mind fallacious?”

“Unimaginable…in terms of this stuff, Professor Shi by no means remembers fallacious.”

……

As the gang mentioned it privately, some folks quickly lifted their arms and introduced forth their shared doubts. Relating to this, Shi Yan merely raised his eyelids and responded indifferently: “The examination is quickly, I’m serving to you evaluate upfront.”

The scholars: “……”

Ruan Zhizhi: “……”

“There are numerous scientific manifestations of schizophrenia. Amongst them, one of many principal varieties is paranoid schizophrenia. Paranoid schizophrenia includes extreme hallucinations, delusions, and insecurities. These sufferers usually consider that they’re bodily and mentally wholesome, whereas the folks of their lives possess a hostility in the direction of them and wish to hurt them. That is what we normally name persecutory delusions.”

Persecutory delusions?

Ruan Zhizhi recalled the contents of the case whereas taking notes. The suspect within the case had made repeated accusations to the police, saying that her in-laws wished to unite together with her husband to homicide her. Her testimony had been so exact, all the way down to the instruments and strategies of operation they had been going to make use of to commit the homicide. Afterwards, the police actually did go to her house many instances to research, however they got here up empty-handed.

These had been most likely all delusions that got here from the suspect affected by schizophrenia. She will need to have felt that she was in a particularly harmful state of affairs always—one which nobody understood and nobody might save her from. So ultimately, she reached the acute and selected to kill her in-laws. She had used this technique to flee her personal subjective sense of risk. 

Ruan Zhizhi wrote incessantly. She felt increasingly more that selecting to attend this lecture was the right resolution. 

The one-hour class ended shortly. Since there have been too many individuals within the classroom, Ruan Zhizhi unhurriedly packed her faculty bag, then sat in her seat for some time. After avoiding the push hour, she stood up and walked in the direction of the door of the classroom. 

Who would have imagined that as quickly as she went out, she heard a voice she knew all too effectively. There was a faint, lingering scent of tobacco, and he leaned in opposition to the door body, ready for her.

“Awake now?”

Ruan Zhizhi blushed. To not be outdone, she retorted within the subsequent second: “Professor Shi, I solely slept for a second earlier than class. Didn’t you see me taking notes your entire class afterwards? I guess I used to be essentially the most diligent pupil at the moment.”

Shi Yan didn’t converse. He lowered his eyes barely and checked out her with a smile that was really very tender. 

Tender. Certainly, this phrase wasn’t harmonious with somebody like him. And but she didn’t know why, however when he smiled at her and spoke to her softly, Ruan Zhizhi felt that this individual must be described this fashion.

Maybe he was a sophisticated and unusual individual. He may very well be mild for one second, then chilly the subsequent. 

Ruan Zhizhi checked out him and was inexplicably stupefied.

Shi Yan prolonged a hand and waved it earlier than her eyes. “Seems to be such as you nonetheless haven’t woken up but.”

Ruan Zhizhi adopted his voice and got here again to her senses. She was nearly to talk however appeared to recollect one thing as an alternative. Directly, she took the college bag off her shoulders, pulled open the zipper, and fumbled round for a second. Then, she pulled out a rigorously folded black umbrella, in addition to a pack of banlangen that had not been opened. 

“That is the umbrella you lent me yesterday.” Ruan Zhizhi reached out and handed him the umbrella, then paused. She appeared just a little embarrassed as she took out the banlangen together with her different hand. “This…is as a result of I used to be fearful you’ll catch a chilly after getting moist within the rain. I believe it’s greatest should you take some drugs to forestall it. In any other case, should you catch a chilly now, it’ll be very uncomfortable on this climate.”

Time appeared to face nonetheless at this second. Shi Yan didn’t know if he was listening to her or if his thoughts was wandering. He didn’t reply, nonetheless leaning on the door body and reducing his eyes to have a look at her. 

In his eyes, there gave the impression to be the sunshine of fireflies flickering, glowing then dying out. Unimaginable to unravel, it made folks shiver of their hearts.

Shi Yan’s ideas had all the time been troublesome to guess. Ruan Zhizhi didn’t perceive what his response meant. Her outstretched hand remained frozen mid-air. She couldn’t take it again, nor might she not give it to him.

Eventually, Shi Yan raised his head and requested her very calmly, “Are you this good to all your folks?”

Mates. This was the phrase Ruan Zhizhi had used when she texted him yesterday.

Not understanding the which means of his phrases, Ruan Zhizhi considered it and informed it prefer it was: “It’s not like that…I really don’t have any pals, so I’ve all the time felt that if somebody treats me effectively, I have to deal with them effectively, too.”

Presently, the hour hand already pointed in the direction of six o’clock within the night. Twilight was rising round them, and the solar was setting to the west. A purple haze subtle from all instructions within the sky. Even the color of his pupils darkened, almost drowning her.

The scholars that simply completed class had urgently scrambled to the cafeteria to seize a seat for dinner. Subsequently, they had been all lengthy gone. The instructing constructing that was overcrowded ten minutes in the past was now sparsely populated. Reflecting the afterglow of the setting solar, it was chilly and cheerless.

“Then what do you suppose, am I good to you?” Because of his long-term smoking, Shi Yan’s voice all the time contained a touch of hoarseness.

When Ruan Zhizhi heard such a query, she nodded with none hesitation. In passing, she gave a prolonged speech to precise her gratitude: “In reality, I’ve all the time wished to thanks correctly. Throughout our journey to Yunnan, you and Chen Jiayan all the time took excellent care of me. Even within the few instances that we’ve run into one another, you’ve additionally helped me rather a lot. All in all, I’m actually lucky to have the ability to know you as a pal.”

“Pal?” Shi Yan spoke in a low tone. His voice was awfully mild, as if he was speaking to himself.

She subconsciously didn’t wish to proceed this subject. Ruan Zhizhi pursed her lips and shortly discovered a brand new topic. “Proper, the content material you taught in at the moment’s lecture will probably be actually useful for revising my press launch. Simply now at school, I used to be interested by how lucky it was to return at the moment.” After a pause, she requested just a little curiously, “Shi Yan, do you suppose that folks such as you, who’ve studied psychology so completely, are much less more likely to develop psychological sickness?”

Shi Yan shook his head and replied in a downplayed method, “Once I was in college, I suffered from melancholy.” Saying so, he regarded down at her and smiled with none emotion. And but there was nonetheless a hint of unhappiness in his smiling expression. “A health care provider that may’t heal himself, what do you say, isn’t that very ironic?”

Melancholy…

When he stated it like this, it reminded Ruan Zhizhi of that night time on the bar in Lijiang. Shi Yan appeared to have already talked about it. At the moment, her response had been the identical as Yan Rui and the opposite younger girls’. They believed he was merely talking with out considering. How might a profitable individual like him be depressed?

She wished to ask in regards to the trigger, however she was afraid that she would unmask the opposite celebration’s scars, so she dropped it.

“I’ll ship you downstairs.”

He straightened up from the classroom door body and took the initiative to shut the topic. Strolling on her left, he accompanied her step-by-step down the instructing constructing’s stairs.

Shi Yan despatched her all the best way to the campus gates earlier than stopping in his tracks.

Ruan Zhizhi rotated and waved at him. “It’s okay to see me off right here. I’ll name a taxi to return. You’ve been drained all day, so hurry again and pack your issues.”

The wind rose and blew the hair on his brow. Shi Yan quietly stood a number of steps away from her. For some purpose, Ruan Zhizhi felt that the gap between the 2 of them appeared very far at this second. 

He started to talk, his barely raspy voice mixing with the sound of the wind and whistling automobiles. Total, it appeared considerably vague.

“Ruan Zhizhi, have you learnt what’s much more silly than your individual wishful considering? It’s while you clearly understand it’s silly, and but you’ll be able to’t cease.”

Translator’s Notice: I can’t assure updates for the subsequent couple days, sorry :’( They’ll most likely resume on the weekend although. I’m simply tremendous busy with faculty once more T^T (Anyway, in order for you quick notifications for brand new chapters, you’ll be able to be a part of the Discord server!)