Julia needed to disregard her mom’s pessimistic phrases. She knew her mom meant effectively, and it was true that no place in Julia’s life had been everlasting, however ever since she’d develop into an grownup, that had at all times been her alternative. If she selected to be right here on the ranch, would it not be doable to remain and make it her residence?

As she helped her mom unpack and settle in, Julia saved enthusiastic about Sean and the ranch that she’d come to like. She was snug right here. Greater than that, she was glad—or had been till Sean clammed up and went into warrior mode.

However that shift she’d seen in him was non permanent. It needed to be. After what they’d shared, she couldn’t think about that it might be anything.

THIRTY-ONE

Sean scrubbed a hand over his face, making an attempt to erase the barrage of pictures that wouldn’t let him sleep. Julia was respiration softly subsequent to him, their our bodies touching, however regardless of the consolation of getting her shut, he couldn’t chill out, couldn’t relaxation. His mind wouldn’t cease flashing by psychological footage like flipping by tv channels that solely performed horror flicks.

He noticed his brother’s physique, sprawled and lifeless. Sean had been on the opposite aspect of the world on the time of JP’s dying, so it wasn’t a picture he had seen in particular person, however the full report had included footage that he’d by no means have the ability to unsee. Combined in with that nightmare had been different footage of scenes he really had witnessed firsthand. There was the boy who Sean performed soccer with exterior his base on his final deployment. The boy who had fallen sufferer to an IED. He’d died instantly, all whereas Sean had been standing simply yards away, barely grazed by the blast however unable to do something to save lots of the child. The panic on his face in these final moments of his life would stick with Sean without end—as would the wails of the boy’s mom when Sean had carried the physique to the dad and mom’ residence. Photographs of different troopers and fellow SEALs he’d seen fall within the line of obligation got here to him, too.

However probably the most repeated picture—the one that really held sleep at bay—was one which wasn’t even actual. He saved seeing Julia shot by the center and her lifeless physique crumple to the bottom. It hadn’t occurred. She was subsequent to him, heat and alive. She moved in her sleep simply then. As he checked out her, all he may see is what may need been if the bullet’s trajectory had been the tiniest bit completely different. He stroked her hair, reminding himself that she was nonetheless with him, however that didn’t beat again the bone-deep concern he carried round.

Subsequent time, Wilson may have the ability to pull off a killing shot, and Julia can be lifeless. He blinked exhausting, making an attempt to battle the photographs, however they saved coming till his whole physique was tense and his head ached.

He needed to get out of this room, get exterior, be below the celebrities the place the evening air may cool his overactive mind. He slipped off the bed, dressed shortly, and left the room. The home had lengthy since settled down, with all of the inhabitants quick asleep, and he knew find out how to transfer silently. The one sound was the comfortable click on when he unlocked the door and went exterior.

He paced away from the home, going out below the bushes the place Julia had taken the household photographs. In that second, it had nearly appeared like she and the children had been really part of his household. At the least, it had felt that option to Sean and his household, however Julia had resisted. Had saved her distance. She was the good one, realizing that getting hooked up was a nasty thought.

He regarded up on the velvety evening sky and tried to attract in deep breaths. His chest felt tight, constricted. His muscular tissues ached, and he acknowledged the bodily manifestations of the emotional hell he’d skilled within the aftermath of JP’s accident when grief and guilt had almost overwhelmed him. He by no means needed to really feel that harm or sense of helplessness once more. He hadn’t been capable of forestall what occurred to his brother, and he may do nothing to make it simpler on his household. Not when he’d been spiraling himself, drowning in a downpour of horrible feelings.

He couldn’t do this once more. Wouldn’t do it. Sure, Julia was alive. He didn’t must mourn her. However the truth that he was on the verge of a panic assault simply on the considered her getting significantly harm proved that he was in too deep. The lack of her had the potential to wreck him, and he didn’t suppose he may deal with that once more. The one option to shield himself was to do what he’d completed earlier than—to distance himself from everybody. He’d locked himself away and completed what he may to lock up his coronary heart. And now, he wanted to do this once more.

He wouldn’t abandon Julia, the children, or her mom whereas they nonetheless wanted his safety from Wilson. However the second Wilson was securely behind bars, he was going to return to his home the place he was alone, in management, and never on the mercy of anybody else’s emotions—least of all his personal. Distance, bodily and emotional, was the one option to go on. Anything would simply harm too rattling a lot.

“Sean?” Her voice was comfortable within the darkness.

He spun round. He’d been so absorbed in his personal ideas that he hadn’t heard Julia come up behind him. That was simply extra proof that this complete state of affairs had him fully tousled. If he was so misplaced in his emotions that he couldn’t even keep alert sufficient to be an efficient protector, then what good was he? He’d let his guard down, and that couldn’t occur.

“Can’t sleep?” She was lower than a foot away and would have touched him if he hadn’t stepped again.

He shook his head, frowning. “Return to mattress. Get some relaxation.”

“I’ll for those who’ll include me.” She reached for him once more, however he shied away.

He needed to keep away from contact. If she really touched him, he didn’t belief himself to withstand the consolation that Julia was providing. It was going to take time to recover from what having her close to had completed to him. He wanted to start out in that second. Break it off along with her. Wipe away all that had occurred between them till she not hovered on the edges of his ideas. He wanted to close his emotions off once more. Solely then would he be protected.

“No. You go in. And it is best to keep in your room, not mine.” His tone was harsh, and he sensed greater than noticed her stiffen.

“What’s bothering you? You’ve been appearing off since we bought again to the ranch.”

How may she even ask that query? Wasn’t it apparent? “You had been nearly killed at the moment.”

She sighed. “I do know, however I wasn’t. It was only a graze. I’ll heal very quickly in any respect.”

“I almost misplaced you.” He struggled to get the phrases previous his lips.

“You mentioned that earlier than, and I’m saying once more that you simply didn’t lose me. I’m tremendous,” she mentioned. “Don’t make a much bigger deal out of it than it’s. It was scary, but it surely’s over, and none of it has to vary something between us.”

Sean shook his head. “This has all gotten too messy.” His intestine twisted and his lungs bought tight, as if his physique was actively preventing towards what he was saying—however that was simply additional proof that it wanted to be mentioned. That issues had already gone too far and that his emotions already ran too deep. “We’ve develop into too shut, and that’s not good. I shouldn’t have let it occur. The one option to repair that is for us to be completed. No matter’s between us needs to be over. Beginning now.” He waited for her response, arms crossed over his chest.

“Sean, you possibly can’t imply that,” she mentioned after a beat of shocked silence had handed. “You’re simply upset as a result of at the moment was loopy. I’m struggling some, too. Within the morning, after we each get some sleep, we’ll speak, and it’ll be—”

“No, that you must hear me. I’ve made up my thoughts about this, and nothing you say goes to vary it. We’re by.” He may hear how harshly the phrases got here out, may see her flinching again from them. God, he was such a jackass. He hated that he was hurting her…however he couldn’t take again the phrases. They needed to be mentioned. Letting their relationship proceed held an excessive amount of potential for heartbreak, and he didn’t suppose he may survive dwelling by that once more. It was higher to slice it off now.

“In order that’s it?” she requested. “You’ve made your alternative, and I don’t get any say in it in any respect?”

“Yeah, that’s proper.” His determination impacted her. He bought that. And he was sorry for it. Rattling sorry to harm her. However a relationship took two individuals, and he refused to be on this one anymore. He couldn’t determine for her, however he may determine for himself, and his determination was made. “I ought to have stayed in my function as bodyguard. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

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