Ifshe’s even coming again.

I don’t know what Riley’s plans are, however that is crushing me. I haven’t ever felt this manner about anybody earlier than, and I don’t suppose I ever will once more.

It’s loopy, and it appears like I’m going loopy.

“I don’t know, Benjamin,” I admit with a deep, sorrowful sigh. “I don’t know what I would like or what I can do. I must deal with hockey once more; I do know that a lot. I simply…”

Benjamin takes a seat beside me. “Is all of it the net abuse? I do know that’s been tough. I certain as shit wouldn’t like every of that stuff mentioned about me, however…”

I shake my head vehemently. At this level, it doesn’t matter what’s being mentioned about me. I don’t give a shit. It’s vile, certain, and a few of it’s approach too private for my liking, but it surely’s what’s beingsaid about Riley that I feel is one million occasions worse. She doesn’t deserve any of this.

If I may have all of it on me, leaving her out of it utterly, I might.

Sadly, I don’t have any management over any of that.

“I simply must work tougher,” I shoot again via gritted tooth. “Then they gained’t have something to say about me. If I play higher, then every part can be advantageous.”

Do I imagine that? At this level, I don’t fucking know what I imagine. All the things is so messy, I may scream. Perhaps what I really want is a trip away from all of it.

If solely…

The shadow of Coach standing within the doorway makes us all lookup. He has a face like thunder, and naturally, that is about me. With an irritated sigh, I rise to my toes and head into the workplace, the place I do know I’m going to get one other dressing down.

That is changing into far too routine for my liking, and I worry that someday, Coach can be sick of yelling at me, simply as sick as I’m of listening to it, and he’ll eliminate me.

Whereas I stroll with my head hanging low, I don’t even take into consideration what’s about to occur. I’m nonetheless eager about this morning once I known as Riley, solely to get her voicemailagain. Is she ever going to speak to me once more, or am I going to be caught on this horrible finish of a ghosting without end?

It’s not ghosting, I suppose, as a result of I do know why she doesn’t need to speak to me anymore, however that doesn’t make it any much less shitty.

“Sit down, Alex,” Coach declares in a weary, pissed-off voice. “We have to speak about what we’re going to do with you as a result of clearly issues can’t keep on the way in which they’re. This shit is getting critical now, and we’re changing into a laughing inventory.”

Fuck.

I hate thatI’mthe reason for all of this. I can’t blame anybody however myself for it. I attempted blaming Coach for forcing me to work together with the media once I didn’t need to, however I do know this isn’t his fault anymore. I’ve to just accept what I’ve performed.

“I’m making an attempt,” I promise him, however I don’t understand how a lot he desires to listen to this as a result of it’s one thing I maintain saying, however I don’t appear to have the ability to change something. However I do need to maintain making an attempt; I need to get again to how I used to play earlier than I met Riley.

Perhaps it could have been higher if I by no means met her in any respect.

My coronary heart aches at this thought.

***

Fuck.

I promised, Ipromisedeveryone that I’d play properly immediately. I swore that nothing would maintain me again and that I wouldn’t be distracted for even a second. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t eventhinkof Riley whereas on the ice tonight.

However I can’t assist myself.

Her face retains flashing up in entrance of my eyes; every part I do, there she is. She’s like a ghost, haunting me. I can’t shake her off irrespective of how exhausting I attempt. It doesn’t assist that I maintain considering she could be within the crowd someplace, watching me—for her job, possibly, or simply as herself.

I’m certain she isn’t as a result of the press can be having a subject day. We aren’t proof against every part occurring within the stadium whereas we’re enjoying, as a lot as we need to be. I haven’t seen a factor.

So then I’m left questioning if she’s watching me on TV someplace. That’s far more seemingly, but when she is, I’m certain she’s dissatisfied in me and the way in which that I’m enjoying, identical to everybody else is.

Fuck, this can be a catastrophe.

Each little mistake I make, I hate myself extra.

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