Chapter 85  [Kurokawa] Am I worthy?

*Click on*

The tiny key in my hand went into its predesigned lock. With a lightweight twist, a sound vibrated into the air. Albeit faint, on this quiet area between my vacation spot and the chilly concrete stairs behind, I may discover it with none bother. And the press had its personal significance to my ears, as effectively. It was not simply an audible affirmation that each one of those locks have been now undone but additionally signified the tip of my struggles.

“…That was simple.”

Clutching the stolen metallic piece, I questioned if Laura and Rachel had not seen or in the event that they ignored me utterly. In all honesty, I didn’t care that a lot.

Not anymore, to be precise. I reached my purpose, and whether or not or not these two paid consideration to me was not related. Very quickly, our class consultant and the housewife wouldn’t want to fret about me for good.

The one purpose I had not run out and jumped was attributable to an enthralling faceless individual. Not like him at the moment, when utter loneliness made his coronary heart wither in grief, the present C positively wouldn’t admire me placing an finish to myself. He went out of sophistication and risked being detained by his ladies to discover a option to forestall that within the first place.

Sarcastically, I used to be looking for a option to velocity issues up.

“If I may, I want to see you one final time.” My damaged voice fell on deaf ears. “We’re going separate methods right here, my pricey faceless most important character…”

As anticipated, no response got here forth. However then once more, that was to be anticipated. There was nobody right here aside from me. That was what I really wished. All of that yelling and all of that screaming was solely for this objective.

Sure.

Undoubtedly.

…Completely.

Who was I kidding, anyway? I had no proper to ask for something. With these two soiled arms, C was shoved away. He was informed to not come after me. Subsequently, I needed to endure this vacancy all on my own.

Even earlier than committing that grave mistake, I already didn’t deserve something on this world. Not C, not a contented household, nothing. Even the phrase nothing was too invaluable for somebody like me. Asking for C to come back to seek out this ineffective piece of human waste after yelling at him on the highest quantity was, indubitably, brainless.

What sort of fool thought she may make her want come true with such infantile actions? If anybody requested me why I acted like such a idiot, there can be no reply aside from that I used to be merely an imbecile. A silly lady who had no concept how valuable life was. An immature brat whose solely need was to get again at everybody round her due to her personal misfortune.

Somebody who ought to have been thrown off from the beginning.

Somebody who shouldn’t have been born.

That was why, if I needed to say one factor, it could be a thanks for Rachel’s key nonetheless in my hand.

As a minimum, it helped distract me somewhat from the disturbing curses I’ve for myself for making C really feel my ache. Apart from my inside voices calling me degradation phrases and my erratic hiccups, there was no sound previous to the unlocking click on.

At greatest, the important thing gave me the one probability to do one thing I had all the time dreamed of attempting. And although that may solely occur as soon as, one time was greater than sufficient to set me, this iteration’s Kurokawa, free. All of this distress, all of this overthinking, all of those hurtful days, and extra would lastly attain their finish.

The second after I would go away every little thing behind eternally—that day had arrived.

Undoubtedly, I may have requested C to the touch my hand. Whereas considering the professionals and cons of doing so and fearing for his life, C would most likely not decline such a request since his coronary heart was uncomplicated and pure. In spite of everything, his girlfriends had modified. A mere contact wouldn’t be so dangerous anymore.

Laura was free from her route, then Rachel, so it could make sense if it occurred to me, too. I didn’t want a Ph.D. in Science to come back to that conclusion.

And but, after I confronted him, phrases didn’t kind, and sentences by no means took form. Apart from my hideous envy plus a large storm of shameful shows of self-hate, the phrase assist by no means got here into my dialog with C, irrespective of how frantic I wished to say it.

I had no concept why, frankly. The one factor I may describe was one thing akin to having my tongue-tied.

Maybe it was my fragile ego, or possibly it was one thing completely totally different. Nonetheless, that easy phrase by no means appeared to cross into my mind.

I regretted that. I regretted that with all of the fiber of my being, with all of the atoms that fashioned my bodily physique. It made me understand simply how pathetic I actually was as a human.

incorrect, to place it calmly.

“Sigh…” A heavy breath ran away from my chest.

No. I used to be pathetic as a personality in a recreation. Calling me human was… incorrect, to place it calmly.

“Sigh…” A heavy breath ran away from my chest.

A sigh that felt just like the wind blowing by means of empty streets. A sigh that appeared like a waver of defeat, containing my final sliver of hope, light into skinny air.

Pushing on the rooftop door with the opposite arm, I used to be stunned. Blood was nonetheless dripping from the wound on my hand onto the ground after hitting the mirror. There was no ache, although. It appeared I used to be too used to that diploma of laceration, so this a lot was throughout the tolerable zone. With a historical past of this factor on my brow, created from a a lot larger reduce, hardly something may make me leap anymore.

What made me cease was the mess I created with my hand. Once more. Moderately than feeling uncomfortable from the open wound, I nervous extra about making another person clear up my mistake.

From the highest of the steps all the way down to the hallway under have been crimson swimming pools fabricated from my blood. As if a disgusting slug crawled onto the rooftop, its slimy reddish discharge dripped and left behind a dirty, horrendous path. Till somebody determined to do one thing, it could proceed to remain there. And even worse, the tiles would have some everlasting brown spots that may be close to unimaginable to wash.

“You are proper, Mom.” My voice was hoarse from misuse. “I ought to have stayed at dwelling.”

Mom all the time mentioned I used to be a failure in life. Something I touched, irrespective of the intention behind my motion, would break in a method or one other. Since I ruined her life, I may wreck everybody else’s lives. And although I by no means doubted her phrases, with this undisputed proof, every little thing Mom informed me proved appropriate.

Like maggots or viruses, these ideas all the time got here at any time when one thing incorrect arose. It may very well be due to Mom’s punches and kicks or just her disdainful eyes, filled with disappointment and resentment towards my existence. Both means, so long as there was a set off, deep darkish ideas inside me can be unleashed, and they might eat me alive till god-knew-when.

What did C get from attempting to assist me? Easy. A catastrophe.

Hopefully…even the recollections of him will disappear with my demise.

So long as I lived, I’d fail. Calamity would befall people who have been near me. That was what Mom taught me since my eyes first opened.

“I am sorry.” Mumbling an apology to some unknown entity, I continued opening the metallic door in entrance. “If I had the time, I’d clear these up. So, so terribly sorry…”

My complete physique leaned on the metallic door of the rooftop, and it swung open with a loud creak. Immediately, a nice wind washed over me, blowing away the tears I had on each cheeks for fairly a while.

Opposite to the dimly lit tight area inside, the surface space was rather more grand. Our pretend solar was nonetheless excessive within the azure blue sky, freely distributing its gentle with out a care on the earth. Surrounding that luminary was many cotton spot-shaped clouds, floating merrily to a distance additional than the eyes may ever see.

Anybody may say we have been having a heat sunny day on prime of our college. An ideal day and excellent climate for an finally flawed and subpar character.

The extra I moved towards the sting, the extra I may see our schoolyard. Since courses have been in session, nobody, not even the shadows, was accessible. Because of that tranquility, the scene of our college’s Sakura tree within the center was unobstructed in entrance of my eyes.

Sadly, there was no flower on it. If there was, this could have been much more memorable for my ultimate second.

“I’ve a deja vu.”

Nevertheless, feeling nostalgic about this place was odd as I had by no means been right here earlier than. Rachel all the time held the important thing, so I by no means ventured this far. Diving into the fantasy worlds of books throughout lunchtime was additionally certainly one of my favourite practices, so there was no want for me to ever be at this place.

Maybe, until the plot wished me to look, which didn’t happen, I’d by no means have come to the rooftop of my volition like that.

But, utterly surprising, I used to be dropped at it as soon as underneath C’s capacity.

Within the iteration that each Laura and I noticed, it was this place the place C threw himself down the sting after having a psychological breakdown. Nobody was there to cease him. Laura was lifeless with a memorial ceremony devoted to her, Rachel was nowhere to be seen, and I used to be…with Han, most likely planning my demise.

Regardless, these weren’t what gave my coronary heart the ending blow. It was what C did.

Whereas falling to his demise, C mentioned…that his love was a sin.

“If I leap now, we could have one other factor in widespread.” Disturbing phrases got here out of my mouth.

I didn’t know who he cherished. A wild guess would level the reply to most likely Laura, not me. It may have been anybody however me. I used to be repulsive and wicked past phrases. Who on Earth would take note of such a lowly and vile creature?

Nobody was an apparent reply.

To inform the reality, it pained me to see his anguish like that. How a lot would one endure to say their love is a sin and kill themself afterward? Even now, I nonetheless wouldn’t describe my emotions for C to be sinful. I, the melancholy reincarnated, the avatar of edginess, would nonetheless not name my love a sin.

Then, what did C expertise that he turned from an individual with a witty catchphrase akin to “eyes ahead, dick downward.” to absolute despair and distress?

That thought alone stored me frozen on the rooftop.

I remembered crying whereas hugging his silhouette within the classroom. I remembered bawling my eyes out whereas reaching for C’s fingers and attempting to catch his lonely physique. I remembered how decided he was to complete his will. My faceless protagonist spared himself no time to relaxation and none to assume.

Within the first place, he had made his selection. He was like me proper now, unable to endure the agony any longer.

Because the wind ran by means of my hair, making every strand float like a shrunken-down black river, I made a tardy want.

One thing that was not meant for the longer term however the previous.

I wanted I may have been there for C. I wanted I may have shared his ache so he wouldn’t must sink so low. I wanted I may have simply stayed by his facet. To share the burden, to consolation one another. To turn out to be his help, to make him…not…kill…himself.

[No. No! How did she even go there?! I can still make it! I CAN STILL MAKE IT!]

“KUROKAWA! I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE RECONSIDER!!!”

He got here. For the second time, C got here. Though he was nonetheless not shut sufficient for me to listen to him clearly, it was sufficient for his internal voice. They have been each crammed with uncertainty and dread.

“Ha ha…”

Then, I noticed one thing.

It was humorous. Hysterical, even.

“Ha…ha ha ha…We…are *Hic* actually alike… Aren’t we?”

My need was a carbon copy of what C had been attempting to do for me all this time. Like how he wished to save lots of my life, I used to be trying again into the previous and wished I may do one thing for him. It was superb how every little thing got here again as a loop.

All this time, I had considered him as a companion, a soul vibrating on the similar frequency as mine. Somebody whose coronary heart was painted with scars like my physique. And I used to be about to go away him similar to that.

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t…damage C any greater than I already did. It could hang-out me even within the afterlife if I did.

“Naive, Kurokawa. You might be very naive. Some could even name you *hic* infantile.”

My plan had a horrible downside. Concurrently my freedom, somebody…One individual…C…can be damage profoundly. It may solely work if nobody knew about it. Since I used to be in a daze and didn’t repair my dangerous arm, it was easy to say that my little pursuit failed terribly.

There was little question how deep it could reduce him, seeing me leaping to my demise.

That feeling… that gut-wrenching, reality-shattering ache of seeing your family members dying may solely be described by those that skilled it. Due to how nightmare-inducing it could be, one couldn’t overlook it even when they might. Until…they discovered a option to take away it from themself, be that technique standard or not.

Nonetheless, would my demise be influence full akin to that of Laura’s or Rachel’s? Would my ultimate second give him such grief that he would need to destroy himself?

C cared about me. He cared about us. He cared about each single goddamn character on this goddamn recreation. That was his largest power and weak point on the similar time.

“As a result of I do not, C. *Hic* I do not care about anybody else however me and also you. I care in case you do not select me. Laura, Rachel, anybody else, they do not matter to me. *Hic* Mom by no means wished me. They, too, didn’t. I solely have you ever. In addition to you, I will be unable to seek out one other individual to like.”

Would I lastly have the ability to be your first choose? A winner?

In my hand, a key was there. C’s previous and my current converged because of its assist.

“To assume that I stole this to forestall his demise initially.”

The important thing flew within the air with no obvious resistance.

“I *hic*…do not know anymore… I do not know what to do… I am unable to..”

Ineffective Kurokawa.

Ineffective.

Ineffective. USELESS. USELESS! Fully ineffective. Rubbish. Filthy.

Why was I like that? Why was I all the time so silly? It took me all of my braveness to lastly arrive at this place! And hastily didn’t need to do it anymore!

Why? Why!?

WHY!?

“WHY!!!?” I cried with an uncontrollable voice. “What selection do I’ve?! How can I probably escape this hellish nightmare? Inform *Hic* me, C, why do I nonetheless look forward to you?!”

*Wham*

The metallic door between our rooftop and the remainder opened with power.

“BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE LOVED!!! YOU KNOW IF YOU JUMP, YOU ARE GOING TO BE ALONE! JUST A DIFFERENT TYPE OF ALONE!” He shouted.

[Thank god! Thank god! Thank god!]

And I replied with an intense tone in my voice. “You are proper! However who’s going to offer me what I want? You?!”

No! I didn’t need to say that!

“You haven’t one however two girlfriends, C. How on Earth do you count on to offer for everybody? It isn’t an limitless useful resource, you realize?”

He stood nonetheless in his place after my phrases, similar to earlier than. I damage him. Once more!

“You see this?” My fingers moved all the way down to the center of my chest. “This place can solely maintain one individual. And that isn’t my Mom nor myself. It’s you. I’m in search of an equal quantity of dedication and affection.”

“But…but I do know it is onerous. It is downright ridiculous to ask you that! I do know it clearly! Do not consider me? Have a feast!”

Then, I unbuttoned my shirt, leaving my prime half totally bare. Sadly, not like the gorgeous figures of Laura and Rachel within the girls’ room earlier than, C noticed a hideous picture.

C mentioned nothing however bit his lips, so onerous blood was popping out.

“Are you certain these items are acceptable? Let me offer you a short historical past. This was from this morning. This was from two days in the past. This explicit spot was smaller.” Pointing at locations throughout my stomach, I misplaced all sense of disgrace. I had no concept what I used to be doing any longer.

“And even when for some scar fetish that means that you can have a look at these with an erection, you’ll nonetheless must dwell with this character of mine.” My arms opened as much as either side. “Gloomy, pathetic, depressive… I’ve every little thing within the books and out of doors of them. You recognize what my Mom wished for after I gave her a gift this 12 months? An abortion.”

Please…cease…

No…extra…

Cease…hurting him… Did you not see his trembling arms and toes?

“Return, C. I admire the gesture, however nobody can love me. Somebody with my flesh and blood did not. And so would you. I’m not worthy of being cherished. By no means did. By no means will.”

No! Keep!

“You are incorrect.”

Instantly upon listening to his defiant phrases, I fought again: “What do you imply I am incorrect?”

What did you imply by that?

“You are incorrect.” Shaking his head, C stepped ahead. “I’m not denying your emotions and feelings.”

“Then what’s it!?” Tears ran down my face. The sturdy winds helped wash them away, however nonetheless too many.

Nearer and nearer, he made his means towards the sting, towards me. Not as soon as did he appear to falter. His steps have been regular and assertive.

“What’s it? C? What’s incorrect about me undeserving of affection?”

Once more, no reply from him. Surprisingly sufficient, there was no internal voice, too. It appeared as if he had made his decision away from any deviation.

One step. Two. Then three. Then 4 seconds handed,

the identical time it took me to see C working to his doom.

We didn’t say a phrase to one another.

Lastly, he grabbed my wounded hand that prolonged in entrance of me. Once I did that, I had no concept.

“As a result of in case you thought you weren’t, you wouldn’t have informed me your ache.”