On my means residence, I ended by the break room to select up one thing I’d forgotten. There have been volunteers who hadn’t left work but sitting round chatting. Simply as I used to be about to knock the door, I overheard one thing.

Heo-Sang’s household historical past.

“So that they have been chased by a mortgage shark and finally obtained fed up.”

Chased by playing money owed, they lastly went into hiding, leaving solely their little one behind. They claimed it was an unintentional dying for concern of traumatising the child, however a will was discovered within the automobile that had been pushed off a cliff.

Heo-Sang, nonetheless a minor, was presupposed to go to a relative’s home, however not one of the family would take him in for concern {that a} mortgage shark would come on the lookout for him. Finally, after shifting from home to accommodate, he ended up right here, on the nursery faculty of Jeongdong Cathedral.

Listening to this story jogged my memory of the time I requested him about his future hopes.

‘What do you wish to be sooner or later?’

‘Hunter.’

‘Oh, that’s stunning. Why?’

‘…As a result of I don’t wish to fear about cash.’

“That’s sensible,” I laughed. It was no laughing matter for him, however after studying the reality, I understood why he had been quiet since he got here to the nursery. If it have been me, nobody would imagine me and nobody would discuss to me.

I couldn’t get the story out of my head for the remainder of the day, and the gloomy climate for the following few days appeared to mirror my temper. The aftermath lasted till I noticed him once more per week later.

“Huh?”

Tuk.

The king in entrance of me collapsed. Whereas I used to be distracted, Heo-Sang had grabbed my king.

“…I’ve received now, haven’t I?”

”No means.”

“Wow!” he exclaimed, leaping to his ft and clenching his fists. The sight of his pure pleasure melted away the ideas cluttering my head.

That’s proper. Don’t really feel sorry for Heo-Sang of the previous however cherish the Heo-Sang of the current. The pupils of his eyes, which have been lifeless and lifeless, now shine like Venus within the evening sky, and that’s sufficient. So long as Heo-Sang is blissful now, that’s sufficient.

“Oh, I let my guard down.”

I pretended to be aggravated and waited patiently for him to ask the primary query, however he didn’t ask, simply stared at me with out opening his mouth. I felt like I used to be being interrogated and was secretly nervous.

“You’re so nervous. Is that this the way you at all times really feel?”

“Do you perceive now?”

“…Sure. Completely.”

He nodded slowly, the corners of his digital mouth twitching upwards.

“Then I’ll ask you a query.”

My actual identify? Or my age? The place I reside? What I do? What I wish to eat? I’m prepared to reply any query that comes my means. He coughed after which opened his mouth cautiously.

“Trainer.”

“Sure.”

“Do you’ve got a crush?”

Of all of the questions, why love? And why can’t I reply it right away? What am I ready for, once I might simply take it as a joke, a pupil asking his trainer to inform him about his past love.

The longer the silence lingered, the more durable his expression grew. His black eyes are busier than traditional as he searches for a solution, however no matter he imagines, I won’t be able to provide him the reply he hopes for. No, I received’t.

“None.”

“Actually?”

“Yep… and there by no means can be.”

His face brightened for a second, then darkened quickly as I added my phrases.

“…. Why?”

There was no means I used to be going to have the ability to inform him why.

“Isn’t that one query per sport?”

“…Then play another sport.”

”Oh, you’re assured of profitable?”

I mentioned it in a joking tone, however there was no smile on his face.

I don’t need the temper to get heavy. I wish to put the intense stuff on the again burner, overlook concerning the darkish household historical past and the curse, and concentrate on the current. However Heo-Sang doesn’t appear to wish to let the subject go. So, what can I do? I’ve to let it go on the leisure of an grownup with another 12 months to reside.

“However what can I do? I’ve to go now.”

“…That’s cowardly.”

There’s no level in accusing me of cowardice. I chuckle, however maintain a cautious eye on him.

“So that you don’t like me?”

I ask, and he denies that it’s true. I maintain serious about it as a result of it’s so cute, and I can’t assist however take into consideration how he’s so embarrassed, with a sideways look at me. However for some motive, he didn’t say something about what he was pondering.

Are you actually mad at me…

“I’ll go then.”

As I quietly rose from my seat and opened the classroom door, a peaceful voice referred to as out to me.

“Trainer.”

“Sure?”

“Are you able to cease asking me that now?”

Did he catch me having fun with the response? Or does he actually hate me now.

“Why?”

I requested, attempting to sound as nonchalant as doable. In contrast to my nervousness, he didn’t blink an eye fixed.

“As a result of there’s no means I’m going to finish up hating you.”

I’d forgotten for a second that he had a knack for saying large issues in an informal tone.

“Haha, …I don’t need you to love me.”

As soon as once more, I laughed.

I retraced my steps again to the bus cease and headed for the cliff in entrance of the church. At any time when I used to be feeling overwhelmed, I at all times went right here to clear my thoughts. However tonight, even the sound of the waves couldn’t calm me down.

The moon had risen at midnight sky, however not a single ray of sunshine might illuminate my darkened thoughts.

‘Trainer. Do you want anybody?’

I can’t love somebody till I die. No, I shouldn’t love. I checked out my mum’s suicide be aware and made up my thoughts. However I hesitated to reply that simple query, as if I had a stone in my throat. The phrase “no” wouldn’t come out, like a stone in my throat.

I puzzled why. What was bothering me a lot.

‘Is there something bothering you latterly?’

‘… Trainer.’

At first, I used to be simply curious, however I additionally felt sorry for him as a result of he couldn’t socialise along with his friends and was alone within the nook. I used to be simply attempting to assist him take his first steps into the world. However earlier than I knew it, I used to be genuinely having fun with my time with him. Most of all, I used to be blissful that Heo-Sang that was pushing the whole lot away was permitting me to be myself.

It ought to have ended there.

Serving to him get again out into the world. My function ought to have ended there.

’As a result of there’s no means I’m going to finish up hating you.’

Out of the blue, the way in which he checked out me modified subtly. I couldn’t assist however discover. I puzzled if I, who knew each little behavior of his creativeness, hadn’t observed, however I pretended to not. I wished to bury the whole lot because it was, in order that he would sooner or later suppose I used to be simply confused by one of many many forms of love that exist on this world. No, it needed to be.

“Actually… pathetic….”

Should you can’t see it by way of to the top, don’t begin. He should have thought that as a result of the youngsters referred to as me trainer, the cautious little one trusted him and adopted him, that he was truly doing one thing.

Silly. It’s silly, since you’ll by no means be capable of repay him.

Swaa-

I stood on the fringe of the cliff and stared out to sea. The black waves crashed towards the rocks with unrelenting power. I knew that if I jumped in there now, all my doubts could be cleaned. With out hesitation, I leapt into the water.

Splash.

I might hear the sound of water droplets by way of my deaf ears. The chilly sea slowly took away my physique warmth, however why did my thoughts keep the identical? The colder my arms and ft grew to become, the clearer my thoughts grew to become. I want I might sink like this, soften away all the emotions I don’t wish to admit.

Then possibly I might find yourself fortunately ever after, loving nobody…

I let myself be carried away by the lapping waves and closed my eyes with a sigh.

I don’t know the way a lot time has handed since then, however I can faintly hear a voice in my daze.

“… Trainer…”

My physique shook violently. I didn’t wish to open my eyes, simply allow them to drift like a bit of trash within the ocean, questioning who was waking me up like this.

“John hyung!”

The dry, cracked voice snapped me out of my reverie. I struggled to raise my eyelids and noticed a jet-black define by way of the whiteness of my imaginative and prescient. As my imaginative and prescient step by step returned, I realised it was Heo-Sang. As quickly as I noticed my hair and garments soaked by way of and clinging to my pores and skin, I burst out laughing.

“Puhat, you appear to be a drowning mouse.”

No, it wasn’t me that was humorous, it was the face I had tried so exhausting to erase from my reminiscence, and I used to be glad to see it once more. That was the sort of resolve I had. A shallow, fragile, wordy decision.

His face, however, was horribly distorted. His reddened eyes regarded like they have been about to burst into tears on the slightest contact.

“…Sang-yi?”

Solely then did he realise the gravity of the scenario and cautiously referred to as out his identify. Then Hajae closed his eyes tightly, as if he have been holding again one thing. The voice that emerged from his reddened lips was shaky and trembling.

“Is it due to me?”

“…What do you imply?”

“I imply, are you doing this as a result of I’m supplying you with hassle.”

“Oh, that’s not doable, I simply jumped as a result of it regarded cool.”

I don’t wish to be critical. I wish to chortle it off and transfer on. Leaping into the ocean was actually simply that. I wasn’t afraid, as a result of I knew I wasn’t going to die, however my laughter turned out to be poison.

Heo-Sang, who had been cautious about grabbing me by the collar, squeezed my jaw exhausting and screamed.