Nirvana and Rebirth

Struggling to wake up, cold sweat slid down the corners of his forehead, his breathing was sharp and short, and there was the irritating scent of antiseptic in his nose.

The snow white ceiling of the hospital was before him. It took a moment for Yi Zhize to calm down and awaken from the long sleep that seemed to have no end.

“What time is it?” His voice was hoarse, and those were the first words he spoke.

Victor exclaimed, “Great, Yi, you’re finally awake! It’s, um, 10:03pm.”

“No, what I’m asking,” Yi Zhize paused for a moment, “is the date.”

“September 12.” Meng Xing said, “You were in a coma for a whole 19 days.”

It was September 12th again.

“What year?” Yi Zhize whispered, “What year is it, September 12th?”

“Yi, did you suffer brain damage?” Victor’s deep blue eyes were full of confusion, “What other year? This is the year 2022.”

September 12, 2022.

One year ago on this date,

September 12, 2021,

was the day they first met.

The timeline had finally returned to normal, and what he had experienced while in the coma was ultimately an imaginary illusion.

Yi Zhize breathed a sigh of relief and hesitated before asking, “What about him?”

An eerie silence fell over the ward.

Yi Zhize looked at Victor, who stammered, “Yi, you know, I’m not good at saying bad news, I don’t want to say it. If someone has to tell you, I don’t want that person to be me.”

Meng Xing let out a soft sigh and solemnly said, “He’s not here anymore.”

“Not anymore,” Yi Zhize’s voice trembled slightly, “what does that mean?”

Meng Xing lowered her eyes, her blue eyes dull, and she did not answer.

“Yi, I hate to say this, but,” Victor weighed in, “you need to know the truth. That night, he stood in front of you. You bled and were injured, that is true. But he was injured even more severely, almost instantly…”

Love and death have been paired since time began.

The eternal hourglass of existence turns upside down over and over again.

The transformation of hunter or prey,

whose futility is doomed by the blueprint of eternal return?

He is dead.

Yi Zhize thought, dreams and reality are never separated.

He is dead.

The game of hunting had finally come to an end.

Meng Xing looked at him worriedly, “Zhize, it’s normal to not be able to accept it for a while, we can accompany you as you slowly digest it, after all, no one wants to see something like this…”

“Tell me,” Yi Zhize was calm and his voice indifferent, as it used to be, “what did he leave behind?”

“The incident was sudden, and when we went to sort out his… when we were sorting through his belongings, we found a will.” Meng Xing whispered, “I don’t know why he wrote it, but the will states that he passed on all his personal assets to you.”

Yi Zhize closed his eyes and the face of that doctor crossed his mind.

He once confessed to him in a frantic tone, recounting to him visions of suicide, and talking nonsense about giving his private property to him.

Unexpectedly,

in unanticipated circumstances,

the prophecy came true.

“I don’t need it.” Yi Zhize repeated, “I don’t need it.”

“And,” Meng Xing took a packet of information out of a cupboard beside her, “this was found in his study. It was all the things he had collected about your life, including your mother’s car accident. Maybe he was afraid that you would be sad if you read it, so he never told you.”

Yi Zhize took the information, and on the brown cover was the doctor’s handwriting, which read:

[Ze Ze’s Secret]

[Only I know]

The tears suddenly broke out like a flood, and they wouldn’t stop flowing.

The more he suppressed them, the more emotions came out.

He lost all control of himself.

He could only let the tears escape in full force.

When his mother died, he did not cry.

Nor did he cry when his grandfather died.

He thought he was already resilient enough to face all his trials and tribulations calmly.

It was only life and death,

only the distance between yin and yang.

It was only…

that he would never be able to see him again.

This world,

the whole world,

he was the only one left.

Victor had never seen such a Yi Zhize before and said in a panic, “Yi, if you need…”

Meng Xing held him back and said to Yi Zhize, “We’ll go out first, get some rest and call us if you need anything.”

Yi Zhize leaned on the hospital bed, quietly waiting for his emotions to calm down.

He didn’t know how long it took before he had the courage to open the heavy document.

The person who caused the accident was named Yao Minxue.

Yao Minxue was a singer in B City, unmarried with a son.

Her son was originally named Yi Zhiyin, but later changed his name to Mu Xin.

———

After being discharged from hospital, Yi Zhize went to England and became a resident lawyer at the English branch of Ruizheng Law Firm.

He lived in a flat in London with a kindly French lady as his landlady.

It was Christmas Eve, Victor had snagged tickets to a Shakespeare play and asked him to go and see it with him.

Yi Zhize was not at all interested, but he could not resist his repeated requests, and his landlady, Mrs. Roche, urged him to go out more often to enjoy the festive atmosphere.

Having no other choice, Yi Zhize put on a trench coat and a felt hat and headed out for a winter evening in London.

On his way out, Mrs. Roche, who was preparing dinner for her family, smiled kindly at Yi Zhize: “Bonne soirée, Monsieur Yi.” [Good night, Mr. Yi.]

Yi Zhize replied politely, “Merci, Madame. Bonsoir.” [Thank you, Madam. Good night.]

Mrs. Roche smiled, “Mhmm, a French gentleman! Could I have the pleasure to invite you to dinner?”

“Thanks, but don’t tease me Madame.” Yi Zhize said humbly, “You know, that’s all that the French I know.”

“No, that’s not true. You can also say hello or good morning in French.” Mrs. Roche urged. “Have fun, my dear Yi, God bless you my child.”

Yi Zhize saluted her, “Really appreciate it, my Lady, wish you a wonderful night.”

Arriving at the theatre at 7pm, Yi Zhize did not see Victor.

He waited patiently for a while, and at 7:05pm, Victor called him.

“Yi, have you arrived yet?”

“Yeah, where are you?”

“Let me ask you a question.” Victor said, “If you could make one wish on Christmas Eve that would 100% come true, what would you wish for?”

A vision came uncontrollably to Yi Zhize’s mind, but it was a fantasy, and he said, “I have no wish.”

“You’re lying,” Victor asked, “Yi, tell me honestly, do you want Ou?”

It had been a long time since he had heard that name, and Yi Zhize’s heart was flooded with tingles.

He had purposely fled to England to avoid this topic.

He was so timid and cowardly that he had never dared to touch this taboo.

He had never even been to his grave, never allowed himself to remember.

Even though he had dreamed of it a thousand times, no matter how many times…

Yi Zhize took a deep breath: “Don’t talk about this, okay?”

“Yi, I want to apologise, I have lied to you once again, but this time in good faith. Moreover, the mastermind was not me, I was forced to do it.”

Yi Zhize’s hand began to shake as he gripped the phone.

“The day of the car accident, Ou didn’t actually die. But he was too badly injured, and the chances of that surgery being successful were very low. And, even if it was successful, he would have a long recovery period, and perhaps would never be able to recover again. So, he asked us to keep it from you.”

A light snow began to fall in the sky, crystal snowflakes fell on his eyelashes as if they were sprites in a dream world.

“He is very sorry towards you, but I swear by God’s name, he does love you. I have never seen anyone love so deeply, and I admire him. He was afraid that you would worry, that it would drag you down, that it would affect your career. After his life and death, he repented and he felt unworthy of loving you. In short, he made us deceive you. But the good news is that, with amazing perseverance, he recovered, just recently.”

The cheerful songs of Christmas rang in his ears and Yi Zhize’s throat turned sour.

“Yi, that ticket voucher, it was purchased by Ou, and he left the choice up to you.” Victor said, “If you’re still willing to forgive him, go to the theatre and find him, he’ll be waiting for you. If you are not willing, then he will never bother you again.”

Hanging up the phone, Yi Zhize’s heart was beating extremely fast.

He clutched the ticket in his hand and walked hurriedly into the theatre.

Looking around, he could not find the man at all.

He arrived on the first floor, on the open-air balcony, where the moon shone and silvery white snow dotted the room.

The doctor smiled gently at him.

The two men looked at each other for a moment and,

it was an eternity.

———

End