“I want I had,” I mentioned, hoping my phrases may trigger him even a fraction of the ache he’d prompted me.

“However you didn’t,” he replied calmly. “Why?”

“I don’t know why.”

He sighed. “Sure, you do.”

“Go away.”

“Clearly, you’re extra loyal than I provide you with credit score for.”

“Effectively, I gained’t make that mistake once more.”

“You’re harm proper now, however I’ll earn your belief again.”

“Go away.”

“I’m pleased with you.”

“Go away!”

“Let me show you how to to your room. You may’t be cozy right here. Then I’ll depart you alone, okay?”

20

I spent the remainder of the evening curled up in my previous mattress within the spare room refusing to speak to Ray. I couldn’t sleep, my very own anger at myself stopping any type of relaxation. I may have gotten out. I may have gone again to David, again house. I most likely wouldn’t get one other probability. This time, I couldn’t blame anybody apart from myself. I imagined the police turning up and taking Ray away, but it surely didn’t give me the satisfaction I’d hoped it could. He deserved jail. I knew that on a rational degree. Perhaps it was simply due to our shared previous that I felt uneasy concerning the considered doing that to him. I shouldn’t really feel responsible about something after what he’d achieved to me. And but I did. Regardless of being livid with him, I additionally felt responsible that he thought I’d betrayed him. He thought I’d damaged his belief. He should have felt in that second loads like how I used to be feeling now – wounded, and alone. However the distinction was that I hadn’t achieved something to interrupt his belief – he solely thought I had. The fact was that I couldn’t carry myself to do it, despite the fact that I ought to have. For him, the harm had ended the second he found the reality. Not for me. He had tangibly and irrevocably damaged my belief, damaged me, and that didn’t finish for me simply because he’d apologised. My pores and skin nonetheless burnt the place he’d caned me, and I knew that ache wouldn’t be gone anytime quickly. I didn’t dare take a look at myself within the mirror; I knew what I might see can be horrible. The ache at the least can be gone in just a few days, and the marks, hopefully, in just a few weeks, however what would stick with me without end was the best way he’d made me really feel like a real sufferer. He’d been violent with me earlier than, however he’d by no means attacked me. I couldn’t ever really feel secure round him once more after he’d taken out a lot aggression on me.

I couldn’t get comfy in any place. Any contact on my behind or legs, even simply the bedclothes, was agony. Ray got here in after just a few hours with the subsequent dose of drugs, which lastly knocked me out.

*

It was early after I woke, and the return of the ache was fast. I staggered out of my room to the lavatory. I needed to see. I let my nightdress fall to the ground and twisted to take a look at myself within the mirror. Offended purple welts tracked throughout my behind and legs, and the sides had been starting to tinge purple. One mark on the prime of my thigh regarded completely different to the others. He’d damaged the pores and skin – solely the tiniest bit, however sufficient to make it bleed. I’d questioned about caning earlier than, and the marks it could depart, however nothing about that sight made me really feel good. I began to really feel queasy once more. I knew there was no manner I’d have the ability to bathe so I did my finest to scrub with a flannel on the sink. I rummaged for antiseptic within the cabinet and did my finest to wash up my leg. The glint of my necklace within the mirror caught my eye and I glared at it. I hadn’t taken it off since Ray had positioned it round my neck the day he left. I unfastened it and let it fall to the ground. I didn’t hassle to maneuver it. Let him see it. I put my nightdress again on and hissed in ache because it touched my pores and skin. There was a mild knock on the door.

“Callie?”

“What would you like?”

The door opened. I wished to satisfy his eyes, to let him see my loathing, however I nonetheless couldn’t carry myself to do it. I couldn’t bear to look into the eyes of the one who’d achieved this to me.

“How’re you feeling?” It was a ridiculous query. Anger and frustration and worry and disappointment all swelled as much as the purpose that I couldn’t kind phrases. I clamped my jaw shut and simply shook my head.

“You’re due extra drugs, if you happen to want it.” I gave a small nod. I hated having to rely on him for the ache aid. If I didn’t want it so badly, I might have refused to let him wherever close to me.

“I also needs to verify—”

“No.” That reply was straightforward sufficient to offer. No manner was I letting him see the marks. No manner was I letting him that near me. By no means, ever once more. Ray sighed closely, as if I used to be merely being petulant.

“I must verify in case—”

“I simply regarded. They’re high quality.”

“If the pores and skin bought damaged—”

“It didn’t.” I knew he’d freak if he knew the reality.

“You’re positive?”

“I feel I’d know.”

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